Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Less Than 24 Hours...

Tomorrow, my department's Executive Committee meets to consider applications for tenure. There are three of us going up. I am reasonably certain the other two will make it, as they were asked to go up a year early. 

I, on the other hand, am suffering through the worst anxiety dreams I've ever had in my life. Night after night, terrible things keep happening, and the only positive take-away is that I'm surviving them (both the dreams and the things in them). 

For instance, last night I dreamt of my childhood home in Ohio (built in 1845). My mom and I stood on the steps to the patio. So far, so good. Except when a loop of a dream I'd had some months ago intruded: a jumbo jet trying to stay aloft, obviously about to crash. Except that this time, it's headed right for my house. It somehow misses my mom and me, but blows up my house. All around are injured, screaming people, and I can't help them. I'm frozen. Then, mercifully, I wake up.

Except that it's not really merciful, because I can't get back to sleep. This cycle of weird/uncomfortable dreaming and waking continued all night long.

I functioned well enough for a chunk of the day--got the Things off to school, did a bit of work in my office prior to the day's Campus Opening Meeting.

Cue the parietal headache. I clench my jaw in my sleep (but don't grind my teeth like I did when I was a kid), and I'm apparently doing it harder than ever, because I've never had headaches like this. Migraines, yes--always on the right, always starting in my right eye. This one, on the left, feels like someone punched me hard in the head, just above my ear. With brass knuckles. My surgeon, whom I saw back in December when this type of headache started interfering with my ability to work and eat, acknowledged that this is likely stress-based (ya think?) and that we could try amitriptyline. 

So far, fewer headaches. But obviously not today. I had to leave the meeting two hours early to come home and curl up in bed with my head on a heating pad. I want very much to relax, and I'm very tired but not tired enough to sleep. Ugh.

In happier news, two colleagues in other departments have gotten positive votes from their respective departments, and it was good to be relieved on their behalf. We also got our student survey data today, and once again I had a healthy score on "overall instructor" so that should help me.

All three of my cats are staring at me from various vantage points in my living room, so I think it's time for dinner. 

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow... 

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