Life is funny. [Skies are sunny. Bees make honey. Tell me, where is Paradise? I'd love to change the world, but I don't know what to do. So I leave it all to you...]
Ten Years After, for those of you too young to recognize the lyrics.
It's just after 7 am here in Wisconsin, and I am pondering life, the Universe, and everything [with apologies to Douglas Adams].
My classes are going well--my students seem much more engaged than the batch last year, and that makes my job much easier and more enjoyable.
But other things are, shall we say, a bit of a mess. After news back in August that not only were our healthcare premiums going up, but that we're also going to responsible for $1,000 out-of-pocket, we got word yesterday that the governor has proposed (and will likely get) a wage freeze for all state employees for the next two years. This is on the heels of a wage freeze in 2009, which was followed by furloughs. I guess the silver lining in this plan is that our wages aren't being frozen at the furlough level.
A dear friend is going through a very rough patch, and I can't even hug her because she lives too far away. As I was thinking about her this morning, lines from TS Eliot's poem "Ash Wednesday" popped into my head:
Lady of silences
Calm and distressed
Torn and most whole
Rose of memory
Rose of forgetfulness
Exhausted and life-giving
Worried reposeful
The single Rose
Is now the Garden
Where all loves end
Terminate torment
Of love unsatisfied
The greater torment
Of love satisfied
End of the endless
Journey to no end
Conclusion of all that
Is inconclusible
Speech without word and
Word of no speech
Grace to the Mother
For the Garden
Where all love ends.
I feel so badly for her, and I want to help her. All I can do is sit still, though, and just be here.
I also thought of this portion of the poem, relative to my own situation:
Because these wings are no longer wings to fly
But merely vans to beat the air
The air which is now thoroughly small and dry
Smaller and dryer than the will
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still.
I do hope to turn again--but because the hope rests on squarely in the category "IF," I am confronted with the notion that I must both care (about my students) (about my friend) and not care (about all of the things I cannot control). This has been the most difficult lesson of my adult life, and I am still learning it.
Read the full poem here.
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
More Fool Me
I haven't posted in a while, partly because I've begun working on myown Happiness Project, and partly because I haven't wanted to think much about the coming school year and what it's going to mean for me in terms of my morale.
Well, I checked a post today put up by a UW-Madison grad student on one of the Facebook message boards I belong to. I'm going to post the announcement from 10 days ago (which I hadn't read until today because I thought I knew what was in it--such a trusting fool) in its entirety. The parts that directly affect my family are highlighted.
Changes Coming to State Group Health Insurance
And Union-Related Deductions
July 19, 2011
A number of changes to the Wisconsin Retirement System, the state health insurance program and unionrelated deductions are taking effect due to the implementation of Wisconsin Act 10 (2011 Budget Repair
Bill) and Wisconsin Act 32 (Biennial Budget for 2011-2013). In addition to this summary of changes to the
State of Wisconsin Group Health Insurance program, please see the Impact of Act 10 on UW System
Employee Benefits Frequently Asked Questions.
Changes to Health Insurance Program
Employee Premium Contributions
Effective with the biweekly payroll ending August 13 (pay date of August 25) and monthly payroll ending
August 31 (pay date of September 1):
Health insurance premiums will increase as specified in WI Act 10 as amended by WI Act 32 (see below for new premium contributions).
Employees working less than 50% of full-time will continue to pay the less-than-half-time rates.
LTEs must have at least two concurrent appointments to be eligible for the full employer premium
contributions.
New Employee Health Insurance
Monthly Premium Contributions for WRS-Participants
Single Family
Tier 1 (all plans, except the Standard Plan) $84 $208
Tier 2 (Standard Plan – required to work outside WI) $122 $307
Tier 3 (Standard Plan – work in WI) $226 $567
Less-than-half –time rates 50% of premium
New Employee Health Insurance
Monthly Premium Contributions for
Graduate Assistants, Post Docs and Short-Term Academic
Single Family
Tier 1 (all plans, except the Standard Plan) $42 $104
Tier 2 (Standard Plan – required to work outside WI) $61 $153.50
Tier 3 (Standard Plan – work in WI) $113 $283.50
Special Opportunity to Cancel or Change Level of Coverage
Treasury regulations governing IRS Code Section 125 restricts mid-year changes to health insurance coverage for employees who pay their premium contribution on a pre-tax basis. However, a significant cost change is a circumstance that allows for mid-year changes. Due to the increase in the employee’s premium cost, you may cancel your coverage entirely or change from family to single coverage provided a Health Application/Change Form is submitted to your payroll and benefits office within 30 days of the date of the first paycheck from which the increased premium is deducted.
Coverage changes will be effective on the later of the end of the month on or following your employer’s receipt of the application to cancel coverage or the end of the month after the date of the premium increase.
For more specific details, please see the Detailed FAQ on Impact of Act 10 and Act 32, questions 8 – 14.
Uniform Benefits
Section 9115 of WI Act 10 requires that the Group Insurance Board (GIB) design health care coverage plans for the 2012 calendar year that, after adjusting for inflation, reduces the average premium cost of tier 1 plans by at least 5% from the cost of the plan during the 2011 calendar year.
The GIB considered various options of achieving the cost reduction, such as the implementation of office visit and inpatient copayments, deductibles, coinsurance, adjusting the prescription drug benefit and eliminating the optional dental benefits offered by most plans.
After due deliberation, the GIB approved the following changes to Uniform Benefits, effective January 1,2012, resulting from WI Act 10 implementation:
Apply coinsurance to medical services. Benefits will be payable at 90% up to an annual outof-pocket maximum of $500 for an individual/$1,000 for a family.
Coinsurance is based on a set percentage of the cost. For example, if the discounted medical charges are $200, the member will be responsible for $20, which is 10% of the charge.
Once a member has paid $500 in coinsurance for an individual, or $1000 for family coverage, in a calendar year, the 10% coinsurance will not be applied for the remainder of the year. The $1000 out-of-pocket maximum for families is cumulative, so once any combination of family members has paid $1000 in coinsurance, the coinsurance ends for the rest of that calendar year. It is not required that two family members each incur $500 in coinsurance in order to satisfy the $1000 coinsurance requirement.
Preventive care, such as physicals and well-baby care, is not subject to coinsurance.
Examples of preventive care will be provided by the Department of Employee Trust Funds this fall.
Coinsurance will be applied to the discounted fee negotiated by the plan and the
provider (as opposed the actual amount charged).
Members will be billed for the coinsurance. Payment will not be due at the time of service.
Increase the emergency room copayment from $60 per occurrence to $75 (waived if admitted). This does not get applied to the out-of-pocket maximum.
If eligible to participate in the Employee Reimbursement Account (ERA) program, out-of-pocket costs for coinsurance and copays are eligible for reimbursement under the ERA
Medical Expense Reimbursement Account.
Standard Plan
Act 10 does not apply to the Standard Plan; however, the GIB also chose to modify the Standard Health Plan for the 2012 calendar year. The GIB’s intent was to enact a similar benefit cut and modernize the Standard Plan to facilitate the long-term sustainability of the program. The GIB approved the following changes to the Standard Plan, effective January 1, 2012:
In network:
Deductible will increase from $100 for an individual/$200 for a family to $200 for
an individual/$400 for a family.
Apply coinsurance to medical services. Benefits will be payable at 90% up to an
annual out-of-pocket maximum of $800 for an individual/$1,600 for a family.
Coinsurance is based on a set percentage of the cost. For example, if the
discounted medical charges are $200, the member will be responsible for $20,
which is 10% of the charge.
Once a member has paid $800 in coinsurance for an individual, or $1,600 for a
family, in a calendar year, the 10% coinsurance will not be applied for the remainder of the year. The $1,600 out-of-pocket maximum for families is cumulative, so once any combination of family members has paid $1,600 in coinsurance, the coinsurance ends for the rest of that calendar year. It is not required that two family members each incur $800 in coinsurance in order to satisfy the $1,6000 coinsurance requirement.
This does not apply to preventive care, such as physicals and well-baby care.
Coinsurance will be applied to the discounted fee negotiated by the plan and the
provider (as opposed the actual amount charged).
Members will be billed for the coinsurance. It will not be due at the time of service.
Out of network:
Deductible will remain $500 per individual and $1,000 per family.
The annual out-of-pocket maximum will remain $2,000 per individual and $4,000
per family.
Coinsurance will change from 80/20 to 70/30. Coinsurance is based on a set
percentage of the cost. For example, if the discounted medical charges are $200,
the member will be responsible for $60 for coinsurance, which is 30% of the
charge. Currently with the 20% coinsurance, the member is responsible for $40 of
a $200 charge.
Emergency Room Copayment
Add an emergency room copayment of $75 per occurrence (waived if admitted).
This does not get applied to the out-of-pocket maximum. It applies to emergency
room services received in network or out of network.
If eligible to participate in the Employee Reimbursement Account (ERA) program, out-of-pocket costs for coinsurance and copays are eligible for reimbursement under the ERA
Medical Expense Reimbursement Account.4
Prescription Drug Benefits
There will be no changes to the prescription drug program for 2012. The annual out-of-pocket maximum of $410 for an individual or $820 for a family will remain and is separate from the out-of-pocket maximum for medical services.
Employee Eligibility
Most employees hired on or after July 1, 2011 will need to work 2/3 of full-time to be eligible for health insurance. Any service with a WRS-employer prior to July 1, 2011 will be sufficient for the employee to be eligible under the old eligibility rules, which required that the employee work 1/3 of full-time. This applies even if the prior position was not eligible for participation in the WRS.
WRS-eligible classified employees will need to work 2/3 of full-time to be eligible to enroll. This is equivalent to working 1200 hours per year, which is 58% of full-time.
Faculty, academic staff and limited employees who work 9 months per year, will need to work at least 880 hours in a year, which is 56% of full-time.
Faculty, academic staff and limited employees who work 12 months per year, will need to work at least 880 hours in a year, which is 42% of full-time.
Eligibility for graduate assistants, post-docs and limited employees is not changing.
Adult Dependent Child Eligibility
Beginning January 1, 2012, adult children will be eligible to be covered under a parent’s health plan only until the end of the month in which they turn age 26. In 2011, unmarried children remain eligible until the end of the month in which they turn age 27. The change to age 26 as the limiting age is consistent with federal law.
Termination of Coverage
For termination of employment that occurs on or after January 1, 2012, the employer contribution towards health insurance coverage will end on the last day of the month in which the employee terminates.
COBRA Continuation
For terminations of employment that occurs on or after January 1, 2012, former employees will be
permitted to continue their health insurance coverage for 18 months instead of the current 36-months.
Family members who lose eligibility for coverage will still be allowed to continue coverage for 36 months.
COBRA periods will be administered in accordance with federal law, which only requires 18 months of COBRA continuation for former employees.
This does not affect employees who are retiring with an immediate or lump sum annuity or have escrowed sick leave credits as they may still maintain coverage for life. 5
Union-Related Deductions
Effective with the biweekly payroll ending July 16 (pay date of July 28) and monthly payroll ending July 31
(pay date of August 1):
Deductions for union-sponsored dental plans will cease. The unions are responsible for informing their members of their options to maintain the union-sponsored dental plans going forward.
Employees will need to pay premium directly to the union (post-tax).
If an employee chooses to cancel coverage under a union-sponsored dental plan, it does not constitute a qualifying event for enrolling in Dental Wisconsin or Anthem DentalBlue.
There will be an open enrollment for Dental Wisconsin this fall for coverage effective on January 1, 2012. If the person has other dental coverage in force immediately prior to the effective date of the Dental Wisconsin coverage, the waiting periods will be waived. Proof of other coverage, such as an ID card, must accompany the application.
It is not yet known if an open enrollment period will be offered this fall for employees
eligible to enroll in Anthem DentalBlue.
Questions?
Much more information will be provided as we get closer to the fall It’s Your Choice enrollment period. If you have questions that need response prior to that time, please contact your payroll/benefits office. In addition, ETF has posted an FAQ on their website (http://etf.wi.gov/).
Well, I checked a post today put up by a UW-Madison grad student on one of the Facebook message boards I belong to. I'm going to post the announcement from 10 days ago (which I hadn't read until today because I thought I knew what was in it--such a trusting fool) in its entirety. The parts that directly affect my family are highlighted.
Changes Coming to State Group Health Insurance
And Union-Related Deductions
July 19, 2011
A number of changes to the Wisconsin Retirement System, the state health insurance program and unionrelated deductions are taking effect due to the implementation of Wisconsin Act 10 (2011 Budget Repair
Bill) and Wisconsin Act 32 (Biennial Budget for 2011-2013). In addition to this summary of changes to the
State of Wisconsin Group Health Insurance program, please see the Impact of Act 10 on UW System
Employee Benefits Frequently Asked Questions.
Changes to Health Insurance Program
Employee Premium Contributions
Effective with the biweekly payroll ending August 13 (pay date of August 25) and monthly payroll ending
August 31 (pay date of September 1):
Health insurance premiums will increase as specified in WI Act 10 as amended by WI Act 32 (see below for new premium contributions).
Employees working less than 50% of full-time will continue to pay the less-than-half-time rates.
LTEs must have at least two concurrent appointments to be eligible for the full employer premium
contributions.
New Employee Health Insurance
Monthly Premium Contributions for WRS-Participants
Single Family
Tier 1 (all plans, except the Standard Plan) $84 $208
Tier 2 (Standard Plan – required to work outside WI) $122 $307
Tier 3 (Standard Plan – work in WI) $226 $567
Less-than-half –time rates 50% of premium
New Employee Health Insurance
Monthly Premium Contributions for
Graduate Assistants, Post Docs and Short-Term Academic
Single Family
Tier 1 (all plans, except the Standard Plan) $42 $104
Tier 2 (Standard Plan – required to work outside WI) $61 $153.50
Tier 3 (Standard Plan – work in WI) $113 $283.50
Special Opportunity to Cancel or Change Level of Coverage
Treasury regulations governing IRS Code Section 125 restricts mid-year changes to health insurance coverage for employees who pay their premium contribution on a pre-tax basis. However, a significant cost change is a circumstance that allows for mid-year changes. Due to the increase in the employee’s premium cost, you may cancel your coverage entirely or change from family to single coverage provided a Health Application/Change Form is submitted to your payroll and benefits office within 30 days of the date of the first paycheck from which the increased premium is deducted.
Coverage changes will be effective on the later of the end of the month on or following your employer’s receipt of the application to cancel coverage or the end of the month after the date of the premium increase.
For more specific details, please see the Detailed FAQ on Impact of Act 10 and Act 32, questions 8 – 14.
Uniform Benefits
Section 9115 of WI Act 10 requires that the Group Insurance Board (GIB) design health care coverage plans for the 2012 calendar year that, after adjusting for inflation, reduces the average premium cost of tier 1 plans by at least 5% from the cost of the plan during the 2011 calendar year.
The GIB considered various options of achieving the cost reduction, such as the implementation of office visit and inpatient copayments, deductibles, coinsurance, adjusting the prescription drug benefit and eliminating the optional dental benefits offered by most plans.
After due deliberation, the GIB approved the following changes to Uniform Benefits, effective January 1,2012, resulting from WI Act 10 implementation:
Apply coinsurance to medical services. Benefits will be payable at 90% up to an annual outof-pocket maximum of $500 for an individual/$1,000 for a family.
Coinsurance is based on a set percentage of the cost. For example, if the discounted medical charges are $200, the member will be responsible for $20, which is 10% of the charge.
Once a member has paid $500 in coinsurance for an individual, or $1000 for family coverage, in a calendar year, the 10% coinsurance will not be applied for the remainder of the year. The $1000 out-of-pocket maximum for families is cumulative, so once any combination of family members has paid $1000 in coinsurance, the coinsurance ends for the rest of that calendar year. It is not required that two family members each incur $500 in coinsurance in order to satisfy the $1000 coinsurance requirement.
Preventive care, such as physicals and well-baby care, is not subject to coinsurance.
Examples of preventive care will be provided by the Department of Employee Trust Funds this fall.
Coinsurance will be applied to the discounted fee negotiated by the plan and the
provider (as opposed the actual amount charged).
Members will be billed for the coinsurance. Payment will not be due at the time of service.
Increase the emergency room copayment from $60 per occurrence to $75 (waived if admitted). This does not get applied to the out-of-pocket maximum.
If eligible to participate in the Employee Reimbursement Account (ERA) program, out-of-pocket costs for coinsurance and copays are eligible for reimbursement under the ERA
Medical Expense Reimbursement Account.
Standard Plan
Act 10 does not apply to the Standard Plan; however, the GIB also chose to modify the Standard Health Plan for the 2012 calendar year. The GIB’s intent was to enact a similar benefit cut and modernize the Standard Plan to facilitate the long-term sustainability of the program. The GIB approved the following changes to the Standard Plan, effective January 1, 2012:
In network:
Deductible will increase from $100 for an individual/$200 for a family to $200 for
an individual/$400 for a family.
Apply coinsurance to medical services. Benefits will be payable at 90% up to an
annual out-of-pocket maximum of $800 for an individual/$1,600 for a family.
Coinsurance is based on a set percentage of the cost. For example, if the
discounted medical charges are $200, the member will be responsible for $20,
which is 10% of the charge.
Once a member has paid $800 in coinsurance for an individual, or $1,600 for a
family, in a calendar year, the 10% coinsurance will not be applied for the remainder of the year. The $1,600 out-of-pocket maximum for families is cumulative, so once any combination of family members has paid $1,600 in coinsurance, the coinsurance ends for the rest of that calendar year. It is not required that two family members each incur $800 in coinsurance in order to satisfy the $1,6000 coinsurance requirement.
This does not apply to preventive care, such as physicals and well-baby care.
Coinsurance will be applied to the discounted fee negotiated by the plan and the
provider (as opposed the actual amount charged).
Members will be billed for the coinsurance. It will not be due at the time of service.
Out of network:
Deductible will remain $500 per individual and $1,000 per family.
The annual out-of-pocket maximum will remain $2,000 per individual and $4,000
per family.
Coinsurance will change from 80/20 to 70/30. Coinsurance is based on a set
percentage of the cost. For example, if the discounted medical charges are $200,
the member will be responsible for $60 for coinsurance, which is 30% of the
charge. Currently with the 20% coinsurance, the member is responsible for $40 of
a $200 charge.
Emergency Room Copayment
Add an emergency room copayment of $75 per occurrence (waived if admitted).
This does not get applied to the out-of-pocket maximum. It applies to emergency
room services received in network or out of network.
If eligible to participate in the Employee Reimbursement Account (ERA) program, out-of-pocket costs for coinsurance and copays are eligible for reimbursement under the ERA
Medical Expense Reimbursement Account.4
Prescription Drug Benefits
There will be no changes to the prescription drug program for 2012. The annual out-of-pocket maximum of $410 for an individual or $820 for a family will remain and is separate from the out-of-pocket maximum for medical services.
Employee Eligibility
Most employees hired on or after July 1, 2011 will need to work 2/3 of full-time to be eligible for health insurance. Any service with a WRS-employer prior to July 1, 2011 will be sufficient for the employee to be eligible under the old eligibility rules, which required that the employee work 1/3 of full-time. This applies even if the prior position was not eligible for participation in the WRS.
WRS-eligible classified employees will need to work 2/3 of full-time to be eligible to enroll. This is equivalent to working 1200 hours per year, which is 58% of full-time.
Faculty, academic staff and limited employees who work 9 months per year, will need to work at least 880 hours in a year, which is 56% of full-time.
Faculty, academic staff and limited employees who work 12 months per year, will need to work at least 880 hours in a year, which is 42% of full-time.
Eligibility for graduate assistants, post-docs and limited employees is not changing.
Adult Dependent Child Eligibility
Beginning January 1, 2012, adult children will be eligible to be covered under a parent’s health plan only until the end of the month in which they turn age 26. In 2011, unmarried children remain eligible until the end of the month in which they turn age 27. The change to age 26 as the limiting age is consistent with federal law.
Termination of Coverage
For termination of employment that occurs on or after January 1, 2012, the employer contribution towards health insurance coverage will end on the last day of the month in which the employee terminates.
COBRA Continuation
For terminations of employment that occurs on or after January 1, 2012, former employees will be
permitted to continue their health insurance coverage for 18 months instead of the current 36-months.
Family members who lose eligibility for coverage will still be allowed to continue coverage for 36 months.
COBRA periods will be administered in accordance with federal law, which only requires 18 months of COBRA continuation for former employees.
This does not affect employees who are retiring with an immediate or lump sum annuity or have escrowed sick leave credits as they may still maintain coverage for life. 5
Union-Related Deductions
Effective with the biweekly payroll ending July 16 (pay date of July 28) and monthly payroll ending July 31
(pay date of August 1):
Deductions for union-sponsored dental plans will cease. The unions are responsible for informing their members of their options to maintain the union-sponsored dental plans going forward.
Employees will need to pay premium directly to the union (post-tax).
If an employee chooses to cancel coverage under a union-sponsored dental plan, it does not constitute a qualifying event for enrolling in Dental Wisconsin or Anthem DentalBlue.
There will be an open enrollment for Dental Wisconsin this fall for coverage effective on January 1, 2012. If the person has other dental coverage in force immediately prior to the effective date of the Dental Wisconsin coverage, the waiting periods will be waived. Proof of other coverage, such as an ID card, must accompany the application.
It is not yet known if an open enrollment period will be offered this fall for employees
eligible to enroll in Anthem DentalBlue.
Questions?
Much more information will be provided as we get closer to the fall It’s Your Choice enrollment period. If you have questions that need response prior to that time, please contact your payroll/benefits office. In addition, ETF has posted an FAQ on their website (http://etf.wi.gov/).
So basically, in addition to my monthly premium going to $208 from $84, I can deduct another $1000 out of my already abysmally low salary to pay for my family's medical care. I can't even console myself with the knowledge that at least I'm in Tier 1 and I'm not getting fucked as hard as other people, because we're all pretty much fucked. Thank you, Republican assholes, douchebags, and fucktards. You have effectively fucked me and my fellow public employees out of huge chunk of our shitty salaries, and we will now be looking even harder for a job outside of this benighted goddamned state.
I had better benefits and pay when I worked in the private sector 10 years ago, but I chose the life of a public servant because I wanted to be a teacher. Always. Since I was a kid playing "School" in my bedroom with my younger sister.
I knew I would never be rich working as a teacher, even as a college professor. I just wanted to have a decent middle-class life. It's not happening. I ran up $70K in student loan debt to get the education that would enable me to get a TT position. I live in a rented house, my newest car is a 2007 with over 70K miles on it, my husband's car (2002) is starting to fall apart and we can't afford to fix it until I get paid again in October, and on and on and on. I can't take it anymore. My salary is lower than a car mechanic's. My plumber makes more than I do, and I have 17 years of experience and two Master's degrees.
I knew I would never be rich working as a teacher, even as a college professor. I just wanted to have a decent middle-class life. It's not happening. I ran up $70K in student loan debt to get the education that would enable me to get a TT position. I live in a rented house, my newest car is a 2007 with over 70K miles on it, my husband's car (2002) is starting to fall apart and we can't afford to fix it until I get paid again in October, and on and on and on. I can't take it anymore. My salary is lower than a car mechanic's. My plumber makes more than I do, and I have 17 years of experience and two Master's degrees.
So I'm back to being heartsick and angry. I feel like a fool. So much for happiness.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Give Away the Stone
Lateralus
Tool
Lyrics by Maynard James Keenan
"Clutch it like a cornerstone/ Otherwise it all comes down/ Justify denials and/ Grip 'em to the lonesome end/ Terrified of being wrong/ Ultimatum prison cell...Wear the grudge like a crown/ of negativity/ Calculate what we will/ or will not tolerate/ Desperate to control/ All and everything/ Unable to forgive these scarlet lettermen...Defining/ Confining/ And sinking deeper...Give away the stone/ Let the ocean take and/ Transmutate/ This cold and fated anchor...Let go/Let go/Let go..."
This song is part of my therapy. MJK is my "Guardo Camino," to quote Henry Rollins.
For most of my life, I have had tremendous difficulty being "light"--as the oldest child in a dysfunctional household, I was the peacemaker, the helper, the fixer, the responsible one. I know that I played as a child (fond memories of my sandbox, and my plastic pool, and of course, my pony) but I also know that my games involved being on my own--parentless and fending for myself. Alone against a hostile world, only seeking to make a small comfortable spot to rest.
Fast-forward. I'm 40. Political upheaval following years (20) of hard work towards the goal of attaining a tenured position has resulted in a scenario I find untenable, yet see no way out of. I spend much of the spring plugged in to various news outlets, growing steadily more disgusted, despairing, and impotently enraged as the weeks wear on. I have difficulty sleeping (again). Nothing is going according to my gorram plan. I am cross with my children and my husband--the three people who make up my small comfortable spot to rest. I am no fun to be around, because most conversations with me turn into rants about the stupidity and ignorance of the people who populate the county, the state, and the nation. I barely have the energy to finish the semester--I give what little energy I have left to my students, so there is none left for my family. I am not sure I have any friends left.
After a blow-out with Hubby, I come to realize that I am perilously close to losing what security and comfort I have managed to build with him over the past 10 years of our marriage. I am faced with a decision:
Give away the stone, or let it drag me into the dark.
Two weeks ago, I decided to give away the stone. I have unplugged from the news of the state and the country (except for The New Yorker and Scientific American). I read for pleasure, and I have started to write poetry again. I am on vacation. I smile more, and I look for things to laugh about (Tina Fey's oeuvre is a good place for that, FYI).
I spend a lot of time outside, listening to the birds. I watch the house wrens and bluebirds fledge the same day, and I try to live in the moment. The poetry arising out of this moment makes me feel good, and I look forward to sharing it soon.
A year ago, a friend of mine from college experienced something that visits me in my darkest nightmares: her husband fell asleep on the couch, and did not wake up. He was not in ill-health. He just...died. Leaving her with four girls, one of whom has severe health issues. My friend goes on because she has to--someone has to take care of the girls--but she misses her husband every day.
Her tragedy is my reminder, and not in the cliche sense of "Live each day like it's your last." I feel more like I should try to live better, and part of living better means letting go of my anger about all the things I can't control.
Getting bent out of shape means that I don't fit anywhere.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Disgust and Despair
I can't bear it.
The Wisconsin State Supreme Court overturned (4-3) Judge Sumi's restraining order preventing the publication of the collective bargaining law. It will go into effect June 29th. I will make less money next year as a tenured professor than I did when I started on the tenure track.
The Republicans are fielding fake Democratic candidates to confuse things for people voting in the July 12th recall elections. If you thought Chicago politics were dirty, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
I can't stand it.
The state legislature is handing broadband control over to AT&T, which will cost schools millions of dollars they don't have--on top of the millions being cut from their budgets.
What I can't get over is that I have worked my entire adult life towards being a tenured college professor...and I feel as though I have failed somehow.
I thought becoming a professor would allow me to give my family a reasonably good middle-class life. Not so.
We rent a 2 bedroom house for $550 a month (which is a steal, I know--we're lucky). The great thing is that it's out in the countryside--we have a garden, a deck, a huge yard--the not-so-great thing is that it was comfortable for three of us, but it's getting cramped now that Thing Two is a toddler (and a boy).
I am $70,000 in debt from my BA, MA, and MFA (most of it's from the MFA at The School of the Art Institute of Chicago--probably not the smartest decision I ever made).
Thing One had a playdate with her best friend L. earlier this week. When we got to L.'s house, I cringed. The house is new (probably less than 8 years old), colonial, 3-car garage. We walked in and L and Thing One took each others' hands and ran up the staircase. I went into the kitchen (cherry cabinets, granite countertops), and gazed into the great room--two stories of windows looking into the wooded back yard. The sitter seemed nice, and I left.
I know that I have a better life than 90% of people in this world, but that doesn't seem to matter to my inner self.
I am jealous. I have house envy. Not that I want a new house, and certainly not one as big as L's house--I'd just spend half of my life cleaning it. I just want a house that's mine--where I can have a dog. Where each of the Things can have a bedroom. And I can have a room of my own for my books and papers and typewriters.
This is what was supposed to happen: I was going to get tenure, get my piddly raise, and we would go get a construction loan to begin building our house--the 1800 sf farmhouse of my dreams--on the land we bought in the fall of 2004, six acres of former dairy farm with a huge shagbark hickory tree. We even have the plans already drawn up. Three bedrooms, a library, living room, eat-in kitchen, wrap-around front porch, 1.5 bathrooms, fireplace. We had done the math--we could afford to do it if we did a lot of the work ourselves (Hubby for most of it, but I can swing a hammer too). My dream house, a copy of which is pinned to the wall in my office, where I saw it every day for the last two semesters as I worked frantically for tenure.
And now the gorram plan is shot to hell, for a variety of reasons.
One reason is that Hubby is in talks to take the job of his dreams in Chicago, about which I cannot write, other than to say that should it come to pass, it will mean that we will have to live separately for over a year, or I will have to leave my job. Since I cannot live without him--I do not want to live without him--I will need to go back to Chicago.
I am not opposed to going back, not the way I was when we left in 2002. I do not know if I will teach again (certainly not at Columbia, special thanks to Garnett Kilberg-Cohen). I don't know what I would do.
What I am doing is struggling with the idea of leaving my dream house...and all that it represents. My desire to give my children a better childhood than my own (which was on a hobby farm too, though with an alcoholic, rageaholic father). My longing for a place of my own, for chickens and dogs and horses to live on my farm. Maybe a lop-eared bunny or two. It means giving up the security of guaranteed employment (though since comparatively speaking my pay is so abysmal it's starting to seem like not much of a sacrifice). It means leaving the beauty and peace of country life for the noise and dirt of the city--though the city has many good things to offer too, the best being a cosmopolitan atmosphere for my children, as opposed to the redneck, red-state area we live in now.
Hubby says we can live in the 'burbs, but I don't think I want that, either. It will mean a commute for one, probably both of us. The only 'burb I even like is Evanston, and I highly doubt we could afford to live there, though perhaps I could get adjunct work at Northwestern or Loyola...crap. I'm doing it again.
The other reason it's shot to hell is the political asshattery in this state means that I will make even less money this coming contract year than I did when I started. This is probably the most pathetic thing about it--and the thing that makes me the angriest. That I've worked so hard for so long, and will have even less to show for it (though still more than I did as an adjunct). I don't think we could build the house even if we were to stay in Wisconsin.
I am so tired. I can't do anything about my current situation except worry, and be angry and disgusted. It's exhausting.
So I think I am just going to try to be Zen. Accept the uncertainty I have never been able to tolerate (thanks, Adult Children of Alcoholics!). Trust (cf ACoA) that it will all work out. Conserve my energy and work on my novel over the summer. Go to New Orleans with Hubby in August and celebrate our 11+ years together.
If you have any advice, feel free to share it. I'm open.
Now for a nap, as Thing Two got me up at 4:45 am again.
The Wisconsin State Supreme Court overturned (4-3) Judge Sumi's restraining order preventing the publication of the collective bargaining law. It will go into effect June 29th. I will make less money next year as a tenured professor than I did when I started on the tenure track.
The Republicans are fielding fake Democratic candidates to confuse things for people voting in the July 12th recall elections. If you thought Chicago politics were dirty, you ain't seen nothin' yet.
I can't stand it.
The state legislature is handing broadband control over to AT&T, which will cost schools millions of dollars they don't have--on top of the millions being cut from their budgets.
What I can't get over is that I have worked my entire adult life towards being a tenured college professor...and I feel as though I have failed somehow.
I thought becoming a professor would allow me to give my family a reasonably good middle-class life. Not so.
We rent a 2 bedroom house for $550 a month (which is a steal, I know--we're lucky). The great thing is that it's out in the countryside--we have a garden, a deck, a huge yard--the not-so-great thing is that it was comfortable for three of us, but it's getting cramped now that Thing Two is a toddler (and a boy).
I am $70,000 in debt from my BA, MA, and MFA (most of it's from the MFA at The School of the Art Institute of Chicago--probably not the smartest decision I ever made).
Thing One had a playdate with her best friend L. earlier this week. When we got to L.'s house, I cringed. The house is new (probably less than 8 years old), colonial, 3-car garage. We walked in and L and Thing One took each others' hands and ran up the staircase. I went into the kitchen (cherry cabinets, granite countertops), and gazed into the great room--two stories of windows looking into the wooded back yard. The sitter seemed nice, and I left.
I know that I have a better life than 90% of people in this world, but that doesn't seem to matter to my inner self.
I am jealous. I have house envy. Not that I want a new house, and certainly not one as big as L's house--I'd just spend half of my life cleaning it. I just want a house that's mine--where I can have a dog. Where each of the Things can have a bedroom. And I can have a room of my own for my books and papers and typewriters.
This is what was supposed to happen: I was going to get tenure, get my piddly raise, and we would go get a construction loan to begin building our house--the 1800 sf farmhouse of my dreams--on the land we bought in the fall of 2004, six acres of former dairy farm with a huge shagbark hickory tree. We even have the plans already drawn up. Three bedrooms, a library, living room, eat-in kitchen, wrap-around front porch, 1.5 bathrooms, fireplace. We had done the math--we could afford to do it if we did a lot of the work ourselves (Hubby for most of it, but I can swing a hammer too). My dream house, a copy of which is pinned to the wall in my office, where I saw it every day for the last two semesters as I worked frantically for tenure.
And now the gorram plan is shot to hell, for a variety of reasons.
One reason is that Hubby is in talks to take the job of his dreams in Chicago, about which I cannot write, other than to say that should it come to pass, it will mean that we will have to live separately for over a year, or I will have to leave my job. Since I cannot live without him--I do not want to live without him--I will need to go back to Chicago.
I am not opposed to going back, not the way I was when we left in 2002. I do not know if I will teach again (certainly not at Columbia, special thanks to Garnett Kilberg-Cohen). I don't know what I would do.
What I am doing is struggling with the idea of leaving my dream house...and all that it represents. My desire to give my children a better childhood than my own (which was on a hobby farm too, though with an alcoholic, rageaholic father). My longing for a place of my own, for chickens and dogs and horses to live on my farm. Maybe a lop-eared bunny or two. It means giving up the security of guaranteed employment (though since comparatively speaking my pay is so abysmal it's starting to seem like not much of a sacrifice). It means leaving the beauty and peace of country life for the noise and dirt of the city--though the city has many good things to offer too, the best being a cosmopolitan atmosphere for my children, as opposed to the redneck, red-state area we live in now.
Hubby says we can live in the 'burbs, but I don't think I want that, either. It will mean a commute for one, probably both of us. The only 'burb I even like is Evanston, and I highly doubt we could afford to live there, though perhaps I could get adjunct work at Northwestern or Loyola...crap. I'm doing it again.
The other reason it's shot to hell is the political asshattery in this state means that I will make even less money this coming contract year than I did when I started. This is probably the most pathetic thing about it--and the thing that makes me the angriest. That I've worked so hard for so long, and will have even less to show for it (though still more than I did as an adjunct). I don't think we could build the house even if we were to stay in Wisconsin.
I am so tired. I can't do anything about my current situation except worry, and be angry and disgusted. It's exhausting.
So I think I am just going to try to be Zen. Accept the uncertainty I have never been able to tolerate (thanks, Adult Children of Alcoholics!). Trust (cf ACoA) that it will all work out. Conserve my energy and work on my novel over the summer. Go to New Orleans with Hubby in August and celebrate our 11+ years together.
If you have any advice, feel free to share it. I'm open.
Now for a nap, as Thing Two got me up at 4:45 am again.
Friday, April 22, 2011
I Have Been Remiss...
I haven't felt like writing for a while. The tumult at the Capitol has died down somewhat, though a new tumult (in the shape of a suspicious bunch of votes in Waukesha county for the Supreme Court race) has arisen.
And I'm just sick of it all.
I want to retreat. I want to go make art. Write. Take pictures. Love my husband. Love my children. Love my life.
And I have had a really hard time doing all of that this past month or so. It has been an almost daily struggle just to teach my classes, not to mention tackle the stack of grading sitting next to the couch right now. We are down to the final three weeks of classes, and instead of feeling a bit wistful, as I usually do, I am feeling anticipatory relief.
It's not because I don't like my students, or the material I'm teaching; quite the opposite. I have had some of the most stimulating one-on-one discussions with students during the past week or so--and it's been these that have given me the wherewithal to keep going...for now. [I think the Universe senses my distress, and has been sending me bright lights to keep me from spiralling into despair.] What I'm teaching has value--my students keep telling me that they're glad they took my class because they'd never really thought about Native Americans/the future/the impact of their food choices before.
It's just that in the larger context of what's going on in this country--cuts to arts and humanities funding... oh hell, I'll just call it what it is: the continued Republican assault on everything I care about, along with their continued bullshit tax cuts for the rich, which we've known don't work since REAGAN started "trickle-down" economics--I just want to go somewhere quiet, away from all of this, and not wake up angry every single day after nightmares about not being able to provide for my family because of other peoples' fucked up priorities (like more tax cuts for the rich instead of money for education).
The constant stress (and my impaired ability to deal with it) is starting to wear me down. It's wearing my marriage down. I have started swearing at NPR reports again, so I've had to stop listening to it in the morning because Thing Two has started asking "What's wrong, Mama?" when I start to curse while driving.
What's wrong? So very many things.
And I'm just sick of it all.
I want to retreat. I want to go make art. Write. Take pictures. Love my husband. Love my children. Love my life.
And I have had a really hard time doing all of that this past month or so. It has been an almost daily struggle just to teach my classes, not to mention tackle the stack of grading sitting next to the couch right now. We are down to the final three weeks of classes, and instead of feeling a bit wistful, as I usually do, I am feeling anticipatory relief.
It's not because I don't like my students, or the material I'm teaching; quite the opposite. I have had some of the most stimulating one-on-one discussions with students during the past week or so--and it's been these that have given me the wherewithal to keep going...for now. [I think the Universe senses my distress, and has been sending me bright lights to keep me from spiralling into despair.] What I'm teaching has value--my students keep telling me that they're glad they took my class because they'd never really thought about Native Americans/the future/the impact of their food choices before.
It's just that in the larger context of what's going on in this country--cuts to arts and humanities funding... oh hell, I'll just call it what it is: the continued Republican assault on everything I care about, along with their continued bullshit tax cuts for the rich, which we've known don't work since REAGAN started "trickle-down" economics--I just want to go somewhere quiet, away from all of this, and not wake up angry every single day after nightmares about not being able to provide for my family because of other peoples' fucked up priorities (like more tax cuts for the rich instead of money for education).
The constant stress (and my impaired ability to deal with it) is starting to wear me down. It's wearing my marriage down. I have started swearing at NPR reports again, so I've had to stop listening to it in the morning because Thing Two has started asking "What's wrong, Mama?" when I start to curse while driving.
What's wrong? So very many things.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Mental Health Break
I came home on Wednesday night from a long day of classes and a presentation/interview/dinner with a candidate for an open position on our campus. Hubby was waiting for me with a glass of wine and an announcement:
"We are going to Chicago on Friday. You need a break from all this mess and we have a place to stay and there is fun to be had. So we're going, and don't argue."
We left early Friday afternoon to drop the Things off with Hubby's parents, because we needed to be in the city by 7:00 for the show.
On the way down, I flipped off the "Wisconsin is Open for Business" billboard.
It was raining like crazy, and traffic (as usual) was awful as soon as we hit Touhy Avenue on 1-94E. Stop and go...so we were late, but hadn't missed the start of the show.
It was interesting--the "Stella!" yelling contest was entertaining too--and I got to define "eructation" for the entire audience. The best part came afterward.
While chatting on the settee with Mimi, I was approached by a nice gentleman who complimented me on my helpful definition--and asked if I was a professor. I said yes, and he exclaimed "That's awesome!" and expressed concern when he found out that I teach in Wisconsin.
Mimi and I continued our conversation, and she remarked how wonderful it is that I'm a teacher--especially given what's going on in Wisconsin (and nationally). Later in the evening, as we shouted over drinks and food at the Haymarket brewpub both Mimi and Greta had lots of kind things to say, and Dominique asked lots of questions about what I teach (Hubby had told them earlier that I teach science fiction--the next NGR is a science fiction show for which I will be unable to attend, as I'll be at a conference giving a paper on SF author William Gibson).
As I sat there bathed in the warm glow of my martini and their admiration for the work that I do, I thought, "I wish I could share this with my friends, my colleagues who are feeling beleaguered and demoralized by the events in Wisconsin and Ohio--my home state--and who need to know that people care."
So this is me, telling all of you: PEOPLE CARE. They care a lot--the talk was impassioned and very anti-Walker, and they expressed admiration for the protests and the people who continued to peaceably assemble and assert their right to petition for redress of grievances.
I wobbled out of the bar feeling better than I have in weeks. And not due to the alcohol (though maybe it helped a little). People care. Maybe there's hope for the future.
"We are going to Chicago on Friday. You need a break from all this mess and we have a place to stay and there is fun to be had. So we're going, and don't argue."
We left early Friday afternoon to drop the Things off with Hubby's parents, because we needed to be in the city by 7:00 for the show.
On the way down, I flipped off the "Wisconsin is Open for Business" billboard.
It was raining like crazy, and traffic (as usual) was awful as soon as we hit Touhy Avenue on 1-94E. Stop and go...so we were late, but hadn't missed the start of the show.
It was interesting--the "Stella!" yelling contest was entertaining too--and I got to define "eructation" for the entire audience. The best part came afterward.
While chatting on the settee with Mimi, I was approached by a nice gentleman who complimented me on my helpful definition--and asked if I was a professor. I said yes, and he exclaimed "That's awesome!" and expressed concern when he found out that I teach in Wisconsin.
Mimi and I continued our conversation, and she remarked how wonderful it is that I'm a teacher--especially given what's going on in Wisconsin (and nationally). Later in the evening, as we shouted over drinks and food at the Haymarket brewpub both Mimi and Greta had lots of kind things to say, and Dominique asked lots of questions about what I teach (Hubby had told them earlier that I teach science fiction--the next NGR is a science fiction show for which I will be unable to attend, as I'll be at a conference giving a paper on SF author William Gibson).
As I sat there bathed in the warm glow of my martini and their admiration for the work that I do, I thought, "I wish I could share this with my friends, my colleagues who are feeling beleaguered and demoralized by the events in Wisconsin and Ohio--my home state--and who need to know that people care."
So this is me, telling all of you: PEOPLE CARE. They care a lot--the talk was impassioned and very anti-Walker, and they expressed admiration for the protests and the people who continued to peaceably assemble and assert their right to petition for redress of grievances.
I wobbled out of the bar feeling better than I have in weeks. And not due to the alcohol (though maybe it helped a little). People care. Maybe there's hope for the future.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Still Doing My Job
It's getting harder every day.
I have been working really hard to keep my students and their needs uppermost in my mind--none of what is going on at the capital is their fault, and I owe it to them to do my job to the best of my ability.
The problem is, the best of my ability is sliding back--I'm not sleeping well, and today I had a terrible parietal headache that came on during our campus meeting over the noon hour, which meant that I had to cancel my afternoon class and come home to sleep with my head on a heating pad.
The mess in Madison has only gotten worse--we are locked out of the Capitol, the Governor's budget for the biennium is so fucked up I can't even bring myself to write about it right now, and my thoughts are swirling around at a pace that makes it difficult to sleep through the night.
I'm behind in my grading. I have to get caught up because my composition students need their papers back before they hand in another big assignment so that they can see where they need to make changes to improve the paper they're about to hand in. I'm behind in my grading (and I haven't been blogging as much as I've wanted to) because I have "tennis elbow" from an injury incurred the week before Christmas (not from playing tennis, sadly), and it's not healing because I write and type and use a mouse every day for my job. I can only do so much before the pain is unbearable and I have to stop. Just typing this little bit is causing a flare-up. FML.
I am also having a crisis. I don't know if it's a mid-life crisis, but since I'm going to be 40 soon, maybe it is.
I have spent my entire adult life working to become a professor. I took a detour into corporate America, lured by the big salary and the easy work, but it was soul-killing to think I'd incurred $70K in student loan debt and wasn't doing the work I'd borrowed all that money to do--the work I'd felt called to do: teach. Never mind the fact that said corporate job was the only time in my life I wasn't carrying credit card debt and was actually able to make substantial payments on my student loans. Hubby and I paid for our own wedding (and kept it under $5K) because of my job.
After 9 years of work as an adjunct (low-paid but man, I loved teaching) I finally got a TT position at a campus I was happy to call my new home--great colleagues in the department and on campus (except for the dean, who was a douche of the first order) and I settled in and worked my ass off to get tenure. And not just to get tenure--to make the campus better, to help the students more, to encourage engagement with ideas beyond the classroom. I. loved. my. job. Every day was a new opportunity to talk about things I was interested in with people who were also interested in those things. I'd never felt so good (and truthfully, so stressed--but the stress came from loving the job to the point that I didn't know what I would do if I didn't get tenure).
I still love my job. But I don't know if I can love it much longer at the expense of my family, and my hopes for the future.
I have been teaching for 15 years, and my salary is $44,500/year (so take-home is approx. $32,000). Like most of my colleagues, I work unpaid over the summer on course prep and professional development (writing). Every spring comes the cutting back--to save for the summer months I won't receive a paycheck. June 1 is the last time I see any money until October 1. September is the worst month because I have to start paying for daycare (in mid-August) before I have any money coming in to pay for it. Hubby's salary is less than mine, but since he works a lot of overtime in the summer, we're almost able to make it without resorting to credit cards to buy food. I think this summer I might have to get a third-shift job, because if my pension and health care contributions are taken out (as they always are) in June, this year the cost will be staggering (4 months' worth out of the June check to continue coverage over the summer) if the governor's budget repair bill is passed.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't being vilified by the Republicans in this state as one of the "haves" simply because I have decent benefits. Benefits which make up some of the gap in pay (but not all of it) between what I earn as a public servant and what I might earn in the private sector.
So many people do not understand what it takes to be a teacher (at any level)--what kind of dedication to the betterment of others is required of a person who wants to teach. Teachers do not go into their profession to get rich. We don't go into it for "summers off"--I don't know anyone who truly has the summer off--and we certainly don't go into it expecting people to kick us in the stomach. The New York Times today has an article whose focus is mainly secondary ed, but the same applies to post-secondary educators as well--we are scorned.
I have already taken a 5% pay cut and an increase in my class sizes, and continued to do my job to the best of my ability, but my smile is slipping.
Why am I doing this? I need to teach, but I need to provide for my family. I never expected to be rich being a teacher, but I thought I would be able to have a good, middle-class life. Not so much. Don't own the house we live in (which only has 2 bedrooms so the Things are currently sharing). Don't go on vacations (not even to celebrate milestones this year like being married for 10 years or finally getting tenure after 20 years' worth of striving). At the rate I'm going, I cannot save for my own retirement, much less the Things' college educations. I feel like a failure on so many levels.
I love teaching. I love feeling like I make a difference every day. But knowing that the people of this state don't value the job I work so hard to do well makes it really fucking hard to get up and keep doing it.
OK. My elbow is sending shooting pain down my arm to my hand. Time to call it a night, because I have to get up and grade papers, journals, and posts tomorrow.
I have been working really hard to keep my students and their needs uppermost in my mind--none of what is going on at the capital is their fault, and I owe it to them to do my job to the best of my ability.
The problem is, the best of my ability is sliding back--I'm not sleeping well, and today I had a terrible parietal headache that came on during our campus meeting over the noon hour, which meant that I had to cancel my afternoon class and come home to sleep with my head on a heating pad.
The mess in Madison has only gotten worse--we are locked out of the Capitol, the Governor's budget for the biennium is so fucked up I can't even bring myself to write about it right now, and my thoughts are swirling around at a pace that makes it difficult to sleep through the night.
I'm behind in my grading. I have to get caught up because my composition students need their papers back before they hand in another big assignment so that they can see where they need to make changes to improve the paper they're about to hand in. I'm behind in my grading (and I haven't been blogging as much as I've wanted to) because I have "tennis elbow" from an injury incurred the week before Christmas (not from playing tennis, sadly), and it's not healing because I write and type and use a mouse every day for my job. I can only do so much before the pain is unbearable and I have to stop. Just typing this little bit is causing a flare-up. FML.
I am also having a crisis. I don't know if it's a mid-life crisis, but since I'm going to be 40 soon, maybe it is.
I have spent my entire adult life working to become a professor. I took a detour into corporate America, lured by the big salary and the easy work, but it was soul-killing to think I'd incurred $70K in student loan debt and wasn't doing the work I'd borrowed all that money to do--the work I'd felt called to do: teach. Never mind the fact that said corporate job was the only time in my life I wasn't carrying credit card debt and was actually able to make substantial payments on my student loans. Hubby and I paid for our own wedding (and kept it under $5K) because of my job.
After 9 years of work as an adjunct (low-paid but man, I loved teaching) I finally got a TT position at a campus I was happy to call my new home--great colleagues in the department and on campus (except for the dean, who was a douche of the first order) and I settled in and worked my ass off to get tenure. And not just to get tenure--to make the campus better, to help the students more, to encourage engagement with ideas beyond the classroom. I. loved. my. job. Every day was a new opportunity to talk about things I was interested in with people who were also interested in those things. I'd never felt so good (and truthfully, so stressed--but the stress came from loving the job to the point that I didn't know what I would do if I didn't get tenure).
I still love my job. But I don't know if I can love it much longer at the expense of my family, and my hopes for the future.
I have been teaching for 15 years, and my salary is $44,500/year (so take-home is approx. $32,000). Like most of my colleagues, I work unpaid over the summer on course prep and professional development (writing). Every spring comes the cutting back--to save for the summer months I won't receive a paycheck. June 1 is the last time I see any money until October 1. September is the worst month because I have to start paying for daycare (in mid-August) before I have any money coming in to pay for it. Hubby's salary is less than mine, but since he works a lot of overtime in the summer, we're almost able to make it without resorting to credit cards to buy food. I think this summer I might have to get a third-shift job, because if my pension and health care contributions are taken out (as they always are) in June, this year the cost will be staggering (4 months' worth out of the June check to continue coverage over the summer) if the governor's budget repair bill is passed.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't being vilified by the Republicans in this state as one of the "haves" simply because I have decent benefits. Benefits which make up some of the gap in pay (but not all of it) between what I earn as a public servant and what I might earn in the private sector.
So many people do not understand what it takes to be a teacher (at any level)--what kind of dedication to the betterment of others is required of a person who wants to teach. Teachers do not go into their profession to get rich. We don't go into it for "summers off"--I don't know anyone who truly has the summer off--and we certainly don't go into it expecting people to kick us in the stomach. The New York Times today has an article whose focus is mainly secondary ed, but the same applies to post-secondary educators as well--we are scorned.
I have already taken a 5% pay cut and an increase in my class sizes, and continued to do my job to the best of my ability, but my smile is slipping.
Why am I doing this? I need to teach, but I need to provide for my family. I never expected to be rich being a teacher, but I thought I would be able to have a good, middle-class life. Not so much. Don't own the house we live in (which only has 2 bedrooms so the Things are currently sharing). Don't go on vacations (not even to celebrate milestones this year like being married for 10 years or finally getting tenure after 20 years' worth of striving). At the rate I'm going, I cannot save for my own retirement, much less the Things' college educations. I feel like a failure on so many levels.
I love teaching. I love feeling like I make a difference every day. But knowing that the people of this state don't value the job I work so hard to do well makes it really fucking hard to get up and keep doing it.
OK. My elbow is sending shooting pain down my arm to my hand. Time to call it a night, because I have to get up and grade papers, journals, and posts tomorrow.
Monday, February 21, 2011
On, Wisconsin!
Another foot of snow fell yesterday and overnight, but that's not what this post is about.
Instead,it's about my response to the grotesque abrogation of workers' rights that Governor Scott Walker has proposed as a "fix" for Wisconsin's budget deficit. I don't want to expound on the bill itself (it's been done in other places: try Digby over at Hullabaloo for a really succinct version of what's led up to this point). See also Paul Krugman's opinion piece "Wisconsin Power Play" in today's New York Times.
Last Wednesday, I traveled to Madison to join in the protest, along with 30,000 of my close personal friends. It was amazing--so much positive, peaceful energy and a sense of common purpose drew people from all walks of life: teachers and pipefitters, nurses and firefighters (yes, even though the firefighters are exempt).
The American Federation of Teachers rep had arranged for a group of us to meet with our State Senator, He-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless. After several minutes of conflicting information updates, one of his Minions appeared. (It turned out that the Senators were caucusing off-site--out of fear of confrontation?) Four people were selected to speak (I was one of them). First went the Prof from the school just up the highway. Then I went.
The Minion looked like he'd rather be drinking bleach than listening to what I had to say:
- The attack on collective bargaining does not solve the budget problem or create jobs.
- This bill will make us even less competitive for quality professors than we are now (after 4 failed searches for a World Languages position, we finally found someone; now we've got the third Comm/Arts search in as many years). California may have some of the same problems, but at least it's got better weather.
- Students have already told me that they are going to leave WI and take their brains and their earning power with them. Why would anyone want to be a teacher or nurse or corrections officer in this state if this is how we are going to be treated?
I wish I had known what was reported in the Cap Times later that day--that the missing $137 million mysteriously happened right after Walker took office ( as of 1/31 the state was projected to have a balance of $121 million)--coinciding with $140 million in special interest spending he has approved in his first 6 weeks in office. This is not about balancing the budget--it's union busting, pure and simple. And both sides know it.
I do not mind paying a fair share. Neither does anyone I work with. However, we have been paying more than our fair share for a lot longer than is being reported by the mainstream media (on top of below-average salaries, our 2% raise that went POOF in the last biennial budget, along with a 3% reduction in pay that was categorized as "furlough" even though it was basically a giveback since most of my colleagues work 6 or 7 days a week anyway). And we do mind being professors on food stamps (at least 3 of my colleagues are the sole income for their families, and because our salaries are so low in the first place, they will qualify).
I am OK for now--Hubby makes less than I do but we don't own a home, so our expenses can be managed (and we're mobile. Going back to Chicago looks pretty good right about now). Thing Two is now two, so his daycare isn't quite as expensive as it was before--but between his daycare expenses and my student loan payments, 1/3 of my take-home pay is gone every single month ($3600/mo for 9 mos = $32,400 in take-home. I owe $75,000 on my student loan debt, debt that I incurred for the express purpose of becoming a professor). I am seriously rethinking living in this state if this is how it wants to treat its public sector workers...and I'm not the only one.
At this point, despite the heartening daily increase in the number of protesters, I am not hopeful for a positive outcome. The Governor stubbornly refuses to even sit down with the representatives of public sector unions to discuss the issues, and he's confident that his bill will pass in spite of the 70,000 people protesting in Madison on an daily basis (70K on Saturday, anyway).
My colleagues and I love our jobs--we love our students and we love helping them learn--but there has to be a limit to what we're expected to give. And after spending my entire adult life working towards tenure, I am forced to consider leaving a state I have come to love--because it's turning into a state I cannot love. It will not be a no-fault divorce--the blame will lie squarely with those voters whose values don't include a willingness to pay for quality education, or quality services period. They will get the state they're asking for, and I sure as hell don't want to live in it.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Less Than 24 Hours...
Tomorrow, my department's Executive Committee meets to consider applications for tenure. There are three of us going up. I am reasonably certain the other two will make it, as they were asked to go up a year early.
I, on the other hand, am suffering through the worst anxiety dreams I've ever had in my life. Night after night, terrible things keep happening, and the only positive take-away is that I'm surviving them (both the dreams and the things in them).
For instance, last night I dreamt of my childhood home in Ohio (built in 1845). My mom and I stood on the steps to the patio. So far, so good. Except when a loop of a dream I'd had some months ago intruded: a jumbo jet trying to stay aloft, obviously about to crash. Except that this time, it's headed right for my house. It somehow misses my mom and me, but blows up my house. All around are injured, screaming people, and I can't help them. I'm frozen. Then, mercifully, I wake up.
Except that it's not really merciful, because I can't get back to sleep. This cycle of weird/uncomfortable dreaming and waking continued all night long.
I functioned well enough for a chunk of the day--got the Things off to school, did a bit of work in my office prior to the day's Campus Opening Meeting.
Cue the parietal headache. I clench my jaw in my sleep (but don't grind my teeth like I did when I was a kid), and I'm apparently doing it harder than ever, because I've never had headaches like this. Migraines, yes--always on the right, always starting in my right eye. This one, on the left, feels like someone punched me hard in the head, just above my ear. With brass knuckles. My surgeon, whom I saw back in December when this type of headache started interfering with my ability to work and eat, acknowledged that this is likely stress-based (ya think?) and that we could try amitriptyline.
So far, fewer headaches. But obviously not today. I had to leave the meeting two hours early to come home and curl up in bed with my head on a heating pad. I want very much to relax, and I'm very tired but not tired enough to sleep. Ugh.
In happier news, two colleagues in other departments have gotten positive votes from their respective departments, and it was good to be relieved on their behalf. We also got our student survey data today, and once again I had a healthy score on "overall instructor" so that should help me.
All three of my cats are staring at me from various vantage points in my living room, so I think it's time for dinner.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...
I, on the other hand, am suffering through the worst anxiety dreams I've ever had in my life. Night after night, terrible things keep happening, and the only positive take-away is that I'm surviving them (both the dreams and the things in them).
For instance, last night I dreamt of my childhood home in Ohio (built in 1845). My mom and I stood on the steps to the patio. So far, so good. Except when a loop of a dream I'd had some months ago intruded: a jumbo jet trying to stay aloft, obviously about to crash. Except that this time, it's headed right for my house. It somehow misses my mom and me, but blows up my house. All around are injured, screaming people, and I can't help them. I'm frozen. Then, mercifully, I wake up.
Except that it's not really merciful, because I can't get back to sleep. This cycle of weird/uncomfortable dreaming and waking continued all night long.
I functioned well enough for a chunk of the day--got the Things off to school, did a bit of work in my office prior to the day's Campus Opening Meeting.
Cue the parietal headache. I clench my jaw in my sleep (but don't grind my teeth like I did when I was a kid), and I'm apparently doing it harder than ever, because I've never had headaches like this. Migraines, yes--always on the right, always starting in my right eye. This one, on the left, feels like someone punched me hard in the head, just above my ear. With brass knuckles. My surgeon, whom I saw back in December when this type of headache started interfering with my ability to work and eat, acknowledged that this is likely stress-based (ya think?) and that we could try amitriptyline.
So far, fewer headaches. But obviously not today. I had to leave the meeting two hours early to come home and curl up in bed with my head on a heating pad. I want very much to relax, and I'm very tired but not tired enough to sleep. Ugh.
In happier news, two colleagues in other departments have gotten positive votes from their respective departments, and it was good to be relieved on their behalf. We also got our student survey data today, and once again I had a healthy score on "overall instructor" so that should help me.
All three of my cats are staring at me from various vantage points in my living room, so I think it's time for dinner.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow...
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