Friday, April 22, 2011

I Have Been Remiss...

I haven't felt like writing for a while. The tumult at the Capitol has died down somewhat, though a new tumult (in the shape of a suspicious bunch of votes in Waukesha county for the Supreme Court race) has arisen.

And I'm just sick of it all.

I want to retreat. I want to go make art. Write. Take pictures. Love my husband. Love my children. Love my life.

And I have had a really hard time doing all of that this past month or so. It has been an almost daily struggle just to teach my classes, not to mention tackle the stack of grading sitting next to the couch right now. We are down to the final three weeks of classes, and instead of feeling a bit wistful, as I usually do, I am feeling anticipatory relief.

It's not because I don't like my students, or the material I'm teaching; quite the opposite. I have had some of the most stimulating one-on-one discussions with students during the past week or so--and it's been these that have given me the wherewithal to keep going...for now. [I think the Universe senses my distress, and has been sending me bright lights to keep me from spiralling into despair.] What I'm teaching has value--my students keep telling me that they're glad they took my class because they'd never really thought about Native Americans/the future/the impact of their food choices before.

It's just that in the larger context of what's going on in this country--cuts to arts and humanities funding... oh hell, I'll just call it what it is: the continued Republican assault on everything I care about, along with their continued bullshit tax cuts for the rich, which we've known don't work since REAGAN started "trickle-down" economics--I just want to go somewhere quiet, away from all of this, and not wake up angry every single day after nightmares about not being able to provide for my family because of other peoples' fucked up priorities (like more tax cuts for the rich instead of money for education).

The constant stress (and my impaired ability to deal with it) is starting to wear me down. It's wearing my marriage down. I have started swearing at NPR reports again, so I've had to stop listening to it in the morning because Thing Two has started asking "What's wrong, Mama?" when I start to curse while driving.

What's wrong? So very many things.

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